My Peace
by NonaScriples
Summary: Sam is trying to figure out what is bothering his brother. Will he be able to talk to him! Tag to 11.17
Something was wrong with Dean. Sam's radar was flaring all over the place. To be honest it has been acting up even before the near death experience. Oh he knows there's more to it than what his brother was telling him but this part he can guess (well not easily) but he can guess what happened there. What was really bothering him was more than that. It was how easily the last hunt went to hell. It was nothing they haven't handled a million times before and still it all went to hell so fast. First, They didn't know the extent of the whole pack. Then, He was down with a gunshot and Dean failed to notice that Corbin was beaten, failed to notice that he was acting up and not normal. Hell Dean couldn't even figure out if he was still alive or not. To top it off he couldn't even take out a new turned werewolf by himself.

No this was not normal

This was not how his brother handled himself

Sam has seen his brother beaten, bloody, on the edge of losing his life and he still was able to defend himself and those who needed protection around him. He knows that Dean likes to run around pretending that he is the grunt of this operation but he has proven time and time again that his observation skills and attention to details are unparalleled by anyone. So what is going on? What the hell is going on inside his brother that is making him off his game like that? And it wasn't just this time, they barely got Claire and Jody out of that mess with the vampires. Dean couldn't fight the soul eater that was making him beat the shit out of his brother. Hell even the banshee thought he was the most vulnerable one in a place full of elderly people and went after him.

Of course if his brother was a normal person, the simplest way to figure it out would be by talking to him, try to let him open up about what is bothering him. Yeah right like that could happen!. He admits that Dean has been opening up a little lately. He at least confessed that he thinks that he can't take the darkness and it might all land on Sam's shoulders and that was a huge step for someone like his brother. But that doesn't mean that everything is well and fluffy in happy vil. Dean hasn't told him what he did when he thought that Sam was dead (Sam knew that he defiantly did believe that Sam was dead otherwise he would never ever have left him out there) he still doesn't know how exactly this connection between his brother and the darkness is affecting him. Maybe that is it maybe whatever is connecting his brother with Amara is the thing that is messing with him like that.

One thing for sure he would never accomplish anything by just sitting there trying figure it out on his own he needs to talk with his brother but if he had a chance in hell to get to anything he needs to approach this like a hunt he needs to let his brother understand that by talking he might be able to figure this out.

"Did you even sleep at all last night?"

Sam was so caught up in his own head that he didn't even hear when his brother joined him on the kitchen table. And He knew he was caught so he didn't try to lie " No "

"You do realize that 2 days ago you almost became a corpse"

"yeah I was there"

" ok fine be that way, find anything?"

Maybe this was his chance he can try and do this "Well, listen to this according to a parchment Cas retrieved from Jordan there was an old entity that has this weird effect on only one human but when they were trying to take it out the only one able to do was the worthy who it fixated on …. Maybe there is something more to this connection than we think. Maybe we can use it"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your connection with Amara"

"How the hell are we gonna use that?! All it does is just mess with my head"

"Mess with your head how?"

Dean looked at him with steady eyes. _Oh crap I am so busted_ Sam thought _stay calm he can't know what you are thinking about just hold your ground._

"What are you doing Sam?"

"I am talking to you" _right just stall like this could work_

And of course it didn't Dean just kept staring at him with his steady eyes not saying anything just waiting.

"Ok fine there wasn't any information about the connection"

"And …"

"Dean I just wanna make sure you are good man"

"Aaaah , here we go .. Sam I am fine"

"No you are not and don't even get me started about the crap you pulled when you thought I was dead"

Dean froze " what carp?" now he was the one he was trying to stall even though he also knew how ridiculous that was

"Fine you want me to paint you a picture I will. It's not that hard to guess" It totally was but he could put 2 and 2 together even if it took him some time

"You thought I was dead so your only hope was making a deal with a reaper and to do that you had to die and seeing you were already in a hospital your best bet was overdose that way you could at least have a fighting chance. I am thinking it had to be Billy. She really has it in for us. You probably offered your life didn't you ?"

Sam was looking at him daring him to deny a word he was saying daring him and accusing him at the same time and he couldn't he just couldn't hold it back any more.

"She wouldn't deal Sam .. nothing I said made any difference to her. I tried the common enemy thing. Trading my life for yours but she just wouldn't deal"

He said it with so much defeat in his voice that it broke Sam's heart that he even brought it up. But he had to!. He had to understand what was going on with his brother even if he used guilt to do that

"so you were willing to leave me behind again"

" I can't do this without you Sam I just can't "

"I understand that Dean I really do maybe I didn't before but listen to me"

Sam held his brother head in his enormous hands making sure all Dean could ever see is him

"I can't do this without you either, you hear me .. you go.. I go man. That is the deal, get it? "

Dean kept his eyes on Sam kept looking into his eyes and he saw the truth there he saw a life time of sacrifices a life time of looking out for each other. He saw all their fought battles the ones they won and the ones they lost and maybe for the first time in his life he started to let himself believe that he really does matter to Sammy. He was choking with all the emotions boiling inside of him and all he could do was node to his little brother.

Sam took a deep breath, kept his gaze steady on his brother sealing the deal they just made letting it all sink in. Then he let go of Dean's face kept a hand on the back of his neck and asked softly

" Please talk to me about the Amara"

"Sam …"

"Dean I just need to make sure that you are okay.. I need this man"

Dean was never able to deny Sam any thing

"It is so messed up"

Sam didn't say anything just waited letting Dean take his time just keeping a reassuring hand at the back of his brother neck letting him know that everything is going to be ok

"It's not that she makes me feel safe or at peace it's that she actually makes WANT to feel these things"

Sam paused and just waited knowing that there has to be more than that

Dean sighed and tried to explain what he barley understood himself "you know when was the last time I actually felt safe?"

"When?" Sam asked softly

"It was the day after you were born. I woke up and sneaked from my bed to mom and dad's room she was there on the bed and you were in her arms. She looked up and found me standing there she smiled and said 'wanna come say good morning to your brother?' and I ran to the bed, tried to climb up but it was high one of those old four poster beds so I was trying to hold the sheets and getting my butt up there but then I slipped and started falling I was starting to freak out. Suddenly I was lifted by those strong warm arms and was snuggled in dads embrace and he said hey there champ maybe it's a tad early for mountain climbing here you go and he placed me in moms arms right next to you and I thought just no matter how high I get these arms are right there to catch me they are always going to be full of love for me no matter what"

His eyes were so full of agony it was tearing Sam up but he didn't say anything and Dean just kept going

"I have never felt that way since mom died. And over the years more important stuff came up and I started to think it doesn't matter, feeling safe is not that important there are other stuff that needs to be taken care of. More important responsibilities that need to be dealt with. So it doesn't matter that I feel like crap all the time. It doesn't matter what I feel or want or need. Later, I could take care of myself later. Right now dad needs me or you need or those people out there who were torn to shreds by evil sons of bitches need my attention I can just take care of myself later. Then years past by and I thought well I am doing fine. I am not dead. I could do this, save people. It doesn't matter that I never ever feel safe that I can't even start to understand what peace is. Then hell happened then the Apocalypse and purgatory and the mark of Cain and all the shit that was our lives and the only thing that I could care about that we were together and we were fighting the good fight. That became my whole truth. It is the only reality I know. The only thing I understand and the one and only constant I have"

Dean stopped for a second tried to gather his thoughts then went on

"When I am around her she makes me think there is more than that. She makes me think that I could be more than that. That I somehow deserve to want to feel safe to want to seek my peace. She makes me think that I don't need to look after anyone else but me that .."

Sam interrupted starting to get angry "Of course you deserve that. You don't have to look after anyone I could take care of .."

"That's not what I am saying Sam.. Please just let me try to explain"

Sam quieted then and tried to calm down and force himself to listen after all he wanted to understand and he was willing to give his brother all the time he needed to explain

"The one thing I know for sure about humanity is in order to survive in this shitty world you must have a purpose a reason to get up in the morning. That is the only way to accomplish anything and to even get a sliver of peace in this life otherwise you just turn into an animal trying to survive till death takes you out .. So I decided that my mission in life is fighting whatever evil is out there with you by my side. Without that I have no direction, no road map to guide me. What she is trying to do, her whole policy is that you can live just for the sake of living with no goal no good no evil just according to her utter bliss. But humans were not built for that, they can't survive like that. They need to have a something to do something to give them that sense of accomplishment. And deep down I know that and I am ok with that. It's just when you have that promise of utter bliss dangling in front of you, it is very hard to resist it and remember that it's just an illusion. It can never be real or as fulfilling as she is trying to convince you that it will be".

Sam was stunned .. speechless. He knew that his brother was not by any means a shallow man but it never seizes to amaze him that no matter how much time he spends with his brother no matter how well he thought he knew him. There is always some deeper level of Dean that takes him completely by surprise and leaves him baffled.

So Sam stayed silent looking for something to say. Dean misunderstood it and said

"Sam I know how messed up that sounds but I promise you man I still have your back. I will always have your back no matter what, you are t…"

"I know that Dean I have never doubted nor will I ever doubt that .. EVER"

Their eyes locked. Sam trying with every fiber of his being to cement this truth in his brother's heart. To put out Deans ever burning insecurities. The insecurities that ran deeper that he even imagined possible.

"Dean .. the only thing I want here is to make sure that you are as okay as our messed up life would allow either of us to be not because I doubt for even a second that you got my back but because I care about you. That sense of safety that you have been lacking your whole life, you always gave it to me. Even with our fucked up life the only thing that kept me going was my absolute belief that you are watching out for me, keeping me safe. Even going to Stanford, I may have convinced myself that I was looking for safety but the truth is I just wanted to know if I could make it on my own and the only reason I was able to do was because I knew you had my back"

Sam paused willing his words to reach his brother, to help him any way he can.

"you gave me everything Dean even when you didn't have it to give. You found a way to make up to me. I just want you to know that I believe in you. I believe that whatever this is you can beat it. Just like you beat hell and purgatory and the mark just like you always win and that I got your back brother every step of the way"

Dean looked at His Sammy really looked at him and saw the man that he has become. The man he helped to raise. The man who saved the world over and over. The man he was damn proud of. His brother, His Sammy, and thought screw the darkness. Screw her false sense of peace. This was his sense of peace this was his safety his brother who would catch him no matter how far he goes.

"Thank you Sammy.. Thank you for being my peace"


End file.
